From the title of this blog post you're probably thinking its gonna be a big old moan about me. Well it is- sort of. I've woken up with a mild hangover (the first time in months, it is a blessing from baby Jesus) from celebration drinks for my friend getting a grad job, and I just want to write this.
Last night, when I was stood in West Street Live I realised I don't want to do 'me' any more. By 'me' I mean my outside persona and how it affects me inside.
On this blog I have mentioned multiple, multiple times how I hate my weight. It's true, I despise it. Currently I weigh 11st 12lbs and it is the heaviest I have ever been.
The thing with my weight though is that my thinking hasn't changed from when I was 9st 10lbs. I could and did eat whatever I wanted. Not because of being blessed with a fast metabolism and it is age that has changed it, but it was because my OCD was at its peak and I was having a- and I am not exaggerating here- permanent panic attack. Due to this I was chugging camomile tea and rescue remedy like it was going out of style and they probably turned a bit laxitivey, combined with my brain making my body be in a permanent state of fight or flight for the best part of two years and voila; losing two stone in 2 months (I was 11st something before peak OCD) and gaining the metabolism I always dreamed of.
I'm often upset that the fast metabolism I got when my OCD peaked disappeared when it levelled off. This is by no means me saying I want my OCD to peak again, fuck no, never ever; I just mean that to be in the habit of eating like a pig and it not effecting you to having it suddenly effect you is odd, and a difficult cycle to get out of.
The metabolism slow down started around the time I turned 18, and what happens when you turn 18? You go out, all the time. I really was going out at least twice a week for the majority of being 18, and alcohol makes you fat; especially if you're not really meant to be skinny in the first place, or feed your hangovers like a bear eating its prey.
When I got to uni I think I was about 10st 3lbs. I had a horrendous first year (more on that when I feel it necessary) and by the time second year rolled around I was 10st 7lbs. I stayed at this weight for a long time, even with going out etc. I think it was probably because dairy was sticking its head out the window and revolting against me. I think I got to the end of 2nd year being 11st? I went on two all inclusive holidays which did not help the weight matters at all either.
Then placement came around, I was grabbing food when I could, usually from service stations, and thats when I discovered my downfall- KFC.
I bloody love KFC, I love chicken so much (working in a chicken factory for a year did not put me off in the slightest) and I love anything fried, so together they're the perfect combo for me. I put on a good 10lbs on placement, mostly due to grabbing food when I could and also due to comfort eating. I was comfort eating like no tomorrow because that year was horrible, I was in a bad emotional place because of my dad and the 'situation' and when I get emotional about anything I want food. Happy? Food! Sad? Food! its a horrible cycle.
I can see the changes in myself every time I look in the mirror and I hate it. I have a massive double chin, I have a ledge on my stomach, my arms are now huge. 2 stone doesn't sound much but it has made a huge difference to me. I can't pull anymore, I don't want to appear big headed here but when I was under 10st 7lbs I could pull pretty much anyone I wanted (dunno how) and the only thing that has changed from then until now is my weight. My confidence is therefore shot to pieces. I'm not trying to say I was only confident because I was seen as attractive to the opposite sex, but it helps. No matter how much you might say it doesn't matter to you, everyone, secretly yearns to be desired. It made me feel good. My sex life took a nose dive (not having sex for 2 years makes you feel like absolute shit) which didn't help my confidence either.
So here I am now, sat in bed, waiting for my momma and siblings to turn up at my house in Sheffield (cannot wait) and you're probably thinking stop having a pity party. It's not that, for once I am actually being truthful to myself.
So what am I going to do about it? Take each day as it comes. I am a massive fantasiser, I will fantasise about being 9st again until the cows come home but I will never get there unless I actually try. I am still in the mindset that one day it will all just fall off me again. It wont. I also need to stop thinking I can eat whatever I want. I can't. I'm not built for that. I also need to get off my lazy arse and do some exercise. Small increments. Nothing all gung ho for a couple of days then get bored.
What I am trying to say is I need to change my lifestyle, in order to feel better inside, and out. It's time to change.
Lots of Love,
Hev
xoxox
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