November

November has been kind to me. I have finally been given a school and a start date to go and get my teaching qualification, and I am gonna go in there and kick arse. It's a completely different school and area than I have ever lived in/ worked in before, which will be a challenge but I am so excited to go and teach somewhere completely new, somewhere with different challenges and issues. I am hoping that going back into school will make me want to go back into school; I feel that I don't want to be a teacher anymore once I qualify, which most people get since how badly I was treated in placement 2. I am really enjoying having my evenings to myself, to watch tv and hermit myself, in a good way. I'm really trying to focus on what I want to do if I don't want to teach anymore. It's really hard, I keep saying that 2017 has been the worst year of my life and it has- Jan to June were abysmal and the fact I didn't have an emotional breakdown shocks me and makes me so bloody proud of myself. This is the career I've wanted since I was 11, and that I am so traumatised towards it at the moment is making it hard to want to do it for the rest of my life. 

Onto more positive notes, I have finally found my feet in my job at work and have started making proper mates, I don't feel quite as lonely as I have done since I've moved back home which is really helpful for me and my brain. 

Travelling plans have ramped up dramatically- all of my 11 (gahhhhh) flights are booked, my aunties now coming for my two weeks in Vietnam (hiya comfy hotels!) and I've booked many of my hostels. My current plans are to write a small summary of each country as I go along, so 1) I don't forget anything and 2) so other people might stumble across some info, cos lots of bits I've been really struggling to find online, and being the control freak that I am I just need to know where that boat comes from or where I can get on that bus. When I have more elements, I'm gonna write a post about my plans so far, what shit I've taken with me too, just to see when I come back what has actually been helpful and what hasn't!

I had a week off in November too (which is rare for me) and I made the most of seeing my favourite people and doing absolutely nothing, as it's my last week off before I go travelling in Feb! I went back to Sheffield to see some pals graduate (it was really hard watching the ceremony I should have been in) and some of my best people came to visit me too, which just made me feel so much better and so much more like myself. 

I'm just feeling really quite happy in myself, which I've only ever had brief glimpses of in the past, I know I'm not as skinny as i would like (and I'm rather banking on travelling to help me out with this!) but I'm sort of ok with it currently, I'm being good with my food choices again and I'm maintaining around 11 stone, which is ok to me! Granted this might only last for a week or until tomorrow or until forever but I'm savouring it and feeling quite content. 

And the best part of November for me was seeing The Killers again. Holy shit balls. I just love them and they played my favourite song of all time which I really wasn't expecting as its an album song off Hot Fuss and I would be lying if I said I didn't cry. I was there with my family and were all mega Killers fans and it was just bootiful.

So that's me for November, here's to a very merry December!

Hev

October

Slightly early I know- we haven't quite got to the end of the month yet! But as we all know my urge to blog (and time to) comes and goes, so I thought I would make a start now.

I've had a good month. Nothing horrendous has happened! It makes quite the change to be honest with you. I'm still temping and I am still enjoying it, sometimes it is slightly stressful, but it ain't on a lev of teaching! Talking of teaching, would I be sounding dramatic if I say I think I may have mild PTSD from last year? Every. Single. Time. I think about January to June, the longest and worst six months of my life, I cry; heck, I'm doing it now. It really makes me wonder if I will actually cope going back into a classroom; I'm sure I will, I fucking love teaching kids about food, but I don't think I will be able to bear it if my momentary mentor is a cowbag this time. Placement 2 damaged me, and the reaction of my Uni, my tutors lack of giving a shit and this never ending battle to get a placement 3 is still damaging me.  

I think about dying slightly less than last month, I've started exercising a bit more again and I think that really does help my brain shut off. My brain is hardwired to cling onto anything and everything that my personality is scared or horrified by, and is rather annoyingly something I'm gonna have to battle and live with for my entire life. Dying is my biggest fear, and I am going to have to make my peace with its inevitability. 

Travelling plans have ramped up! After I write this I am going to write a big post about my plans so far, but I am feeling far more organised and less like I am going to shit myself, which is always a plus with my control freak self. I am definitely 80% fucking buzzing, 10% terrified and 10% nervous.

I do think I am in the middle of a bit of a quarter life crisis- no solid career, teaching limbo, limited pals, no sight of a nice boy, feeling very lonely quite alot of the time, but its ok, I am muddling through- I always muddle through- and I will get my arse on that plane on the 26th of February lined with vodka and excitement for the future. I keep joking that I want to go find myself, but I do, I need to find myself soon, before I go a bit insane!

Apart from the mini crisis and super mild PTSD October has been fab. Lots of fun, lots of laughter, lots of love for Jamie and Claire finding each other again in Outlander, and lots of anger about Liam leaving the bake off! (It is a fucking crime that Kate and Stacey are still in, I tell thee!)

Keemon November, stick it to me

September

September. A month that I wasn’t expecting to enjoy, I just thought it would be another month in my life where not much happened.

Bad Boy Habits

As pretty much anyone who knows me will tell you, I have the worst luck with the male species. Granted I tend to go for absolute morons (remember the person I alluded to on here a couple of years ago, well he's back *eye rolls*) and every time I know what is happening- ya gal ain't stupid- but I just can't stop myself from doing the same damn thing over and over again.

My God awful habits include not getting the hint, thinking that boys who solely message on snap chat are ok (there was a meme of this a while ago, these boys ain't ok my ladies and gents). Jumping way ahead of myself when hello Hev! They are arseholes. Thinking that- and I'm not ashamed to admit it- that a mild bit of sexting is gonna entice a boy (it will not). Oh and being someones stop gap. The person who acts as the gap filler whilst they find the real life person, which I have been for many boys *eyes do their fucking roll*.

Whilst I am acutely aware of this, I don't do anything about it. I think a tiny bit of me enjoys the pain I inflict on myself in this way (hello daddy issues!) and I have an annoying habit of trying to see he best in everybody all of the time which is not good for me or my sanity. I don't think my overwhelming broodiness and insane need to get married and have babies helps me out at all, because all I fantasise about is having a nice, normal, sane family which is probs cos I haven't had that stability myself, which is a whole nuvva story.

But last night, for the first time in 23 years and 11 months, I managed to do something different- I fought my overriding urge to reply to the attention seeking muppet on the other side of my snap chat and didn't bloody reply! I know this may seem tiny, insignificant to most probably, but for me I managed to keep strong and actually listened to the 'fucking hell leave me alone' voice and I feel overjoyed! Like someone has released something inside me and that I can conquer the world a bit. I realised today (always late to the party) after an epiphany of epic proportions that he just wants attention not you, so I didn't reply, and I feel bloody great.

So what I am trying to get at is this: I am an expert advice disher but I will not take said advice even though I know it is for the best, and I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to get out of the habit of being the poly filler, cos I don't want to waste months of my life talking to someone that doesn't give a shit about me back. I want to have less see the best for my own sake, so convos on tinder don't just get sexty and actually turn out more datey- you get me? And mainly I just want someone to manage to see actual me, the person that will do anything for anyone, occasionally funny, slightly emotionally damaged and detached but just wants to be a mom person that I am.

My Three Ultimate Eye Brushes

So I said in my last post that I wanted to write about what I feel passionate about again, and well these three beauties I am bloody well passionate about! I use them every. single. day. that I put eye shadow on, and they dun half help you create the most effortless smokey eye using the MAC babes Woodwinked, Omega and Satin Taupe (I've written about them before here) in about a minute- no joke!

The Future

I feel like I've done posts like this thousands of times but I am really feeling 'Living Heather' again. In the past I think I have struggled, trying to fit myself into different categories of blogging which just isn't me. If anyone has ever perused my blog before I have flicked between purely beauty, very deep posts about my life and general life updates. You can see that- especially during the pure beauty weeks- I wasn't really feeling it; my best blogs and ones that I feel like I actually write well are ones that I am very passionate about.

Hello

I've been thinking about blogging for a little while now, but again, life has got in the way. Placement two has ramped up 1,000 notches and I barely have time to do anything! I'm currently on half term, 4 and a half lesson plans out of 9 in and I'm bored, so here I am! I've noticed that I've become quite the cow since I started placement two, which I'm quite sure correlates to the fact I'm not really enjoying it, so for that, I am sorry xxx