It's been nearly three years since my dad decided to get plastered, attempted to drive home from his factory but instead plowed himself into a load of parked cars and got himself arrested. The day before his birthday. It marked a seismic shift in our family and our relationship with each other.
I remember being sat at my work desk emailing, texting, phoning him to tell him happy birthday so he wouldn't get arsy. I remember vividly my mom phoning me to tell me what happened, and being so thankful I had the most awesome boss and my desk was in a private room. I remember being the one to tell my sister what my dad had done, laden with maccies and KFC to soften the blow. I remember the carnage that followed. A week of me crying anytime I was alone that my dad could do that to me, to us, his family. I remember his licence being removed and the two long years of me, mom and various others ferrying him round here, there and everywhere.
And I remember finally getting a sober dad.
I thought, this is it, its gonna change, hes gonna be reborn; which he was, in certain ways, but the ways I wanted him to never showed up. He's still the person who will give you a lift anywhere you want, and will actually turn up on time. He's still the jokey verging on offence dad I've always had, but he's not what I envisioned.
I envisioned an apology, an immediate sorry for being such a crap dad for 21 years. I envisioned peace and harmony in our household, with crass jokes being less and less and care and nurture being more and more. I was waiting for him to have a decent relationship with my mom. But mainly I was waiting for his behaviour to change, to suddenly sprout up and know how to be a dad in the way that many people are blessed to have a 'normal' dad. I was waiting for him to try.
But it doesn't work out like that, not like in the movies. You don't get a happy ever after. Of course I would choose this version of him every. single. time. He is nothing compared to the whisky slinging wanker of before. I got my hopes up where there shouldn't have been hopes I guess.
Three years is nothing in the lifespan of an alchy getting clean and sober. His urge to drink will never leave him but I think myself, and other people need to realise that behaviours that are so ingrained cant change overnight. Lord I wish they could. What I would give to see the dad that I think deep down he wants to be, but hes scared, quite rightly too. I would be if I had messed with my children's lives for so long.
It's a process. I couldn't speak to him for months, let alone be in the same house as him. I stayed with my aunties if I came home and went home only if he was out. I couldn't bear to be around someone like that. I tried Al-Anon, but speaking in a group like that just wasn't for me. My mom however has emotionally thrived from it and sings its praises.
We talk now. Our relationship is never going to be bells and whistles and I accepted that a while ago. At the moment I'm focusing on being able to tolerate being in the same room as him and getting used to this new him. I'm much more ok with him since he made the right decision to move out of the family home, and it's sad but I don't miss his presence.
Three years is a drop in the ocean, and I'm full of trepidation as to where its all gonna go from here.
I wrote this post in July, where everything was getting better since he moved out, over christmas, the dynamic of our relationship changed once again.
We found out he had been cheating on my darling momma for 6 months before they split, even during the time he had no licence. He is now living with her.
I felt like my soul had been ripped out by his deceit and the sheer audacity of him to cheat on my mom when he had put her through so much. My mom was driving him everywhere and he was shagging someone else.
Our relationship is now broken. He has broken my heart too many times to consider reconnecting anytime soon, and I am ok with that. I am 24 years old and I deserve to have good people around me, and he is not one of them. I have pushed the emphasis onto him and that has soothed my conscience.
I hope that 2018 is the year we can all move on from him and build our lives back up.
Hev
xxx
Post a Comment