This is your life Hev #4

Here I am again! Volume 4 of my little writings and its all a bit manic. Uni is still kicking my butt, personal statements are my new found Achilles heel and I have also had to face up to some truths I was massively hiding from. So let's get into it.

This whole uni final year torment is real and I am struggling. One of !y projects failed and I am in bits about it. I worked so damn hard on it to fail it just makes me so upset and not want to try again. The next onslaught of uni work is about to begin which terrifies me something rotten. Watching friends graduate over the last two weeks has also installed the fear of god into me and has really made me realise this is my last year at this game.

My personal statement is like torture and for some reason will not write itself. I think I am just so scared because my writing is so shambollic that it will never be good enough to let me pursue my dreams.

My darling fainting episodes are back which has filled me with eternal dread. Last Friday I fainted getting out of the shower and smacked my coccyx off the floor and it fucking hurt! I really hope this isn't the start of a series of fainting again and I am going to the doctors this week to check myself out.

On Saturday I had a trampolining competition, which I somehow got through grimacing in stupid amounts of pain, coming 16/70 I am so proud of myself with the agony of my arse (story of my life my arse hurting) and doing a completely new routine!

Last weekend was also one of the nicest weekends I've had in such a long time (i really didn't want it to end) and I'm pretty sure my defences are now sat on the floor. Nothing like having big life realisations in the middle of players is there? These realisations have also terrified me and I don't like it, my inner control freak is really not happy with me! I am trying to get with it and go with the flow though.

So there you go, this is the last couple of weeks of my life, how's yours been?

Lots of love,

Hev

xoxox

Hey It's Me

Hi everyone,

So I've been away for a bit. Final year has hit me like a steam train and up until 2 days ago I was completely snowed under. I have a few weeks of my life not being too intense until it revs up again and hits me full throttle until the end of may- joy!

I am currently trying to apply for a teacher training role within food- it's always what I've wanted to do since I was little and I hope and pray someone wants me to do it too!

My love life is still pants but I am trying to be more positive about it. Tonight I am also going to slimming world! lets hope I can crack my obsession with food once and for all!

I'm hoping to maybe put some beauty bits together but I wouldn't hold your breath!

Lots of Love

Hev

xoxox

Life

Sometimes in life I am genuinely baffled as to how I have stayed sane. Life at the moment seems to keep throwing annoying curveballs and blockades in the way of what I want to do and who I want to see in my life. I am constantly wondering what horrendous thing I did in my past life to make this life so that absolutely nothing seems to go my way and I just get shat on left, right and bloody centre. I am 22 years old and my life should be slowly blowing into some sort of rhythm. I should be meeting people who are willing to be seen with me and want to have a connection with me. Instead I'm hanging onto losers from my past who did nothing but hurt me, yet they seem to all be sat there in a cinema watching my life fall to pieces in front of them, throwing popcorn whenever my head comes up on screen and laughing their big heads off.
I should have some sort of financial stability, but I am unemployed, living off savings and trying to pay my rent with a student loan that won't even cover the majority. I should be on the road to finding the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and have my future beautiful, bouncing babies with but that road hasn't even got planning permission yet. I should have got a fucking handle on my food intake by now but apparently that is never going to happen, and I do not like how close I am creeping to 12 stone. Most days my life seems perfectly fine from the outside, as I was frequently told at school 'you're so rich! you have no problems!' then please give having an absent, alcoholic father a go. Or a dyspraxic in denial borderline bi- polar steam rolling himself into a mental breakdown brother. Or a mother so ground down and quite frankly pathetic that she will not remove herself from the most toxic of situations because her rose tinted fucking glasses are so thick they will break her neck if she's not careful. It is so difficult not being able to go near things or watch things because OCD will tell you you'll die or get possessed because of it.
From outside of my pity bubble, I think I am trying to say that I am completely stuck and lost and incredibly lonely. I am tired of going clubbing solely for the purpose of meeting someone because they are all arseholes. I am tired of aimlessly scrolling through tinder and swiping right on people because then, invariably they're all arseholes. I find it beyond difficult to meet anyone in my real life, all I do is go to uni on an incredibly girl filled course or trampolining where again everyone is a girl or gay. I am so broody that I would have a baby this afternoon if I could and I am starting to understand why girls go and get pregnant at 16 I know, what a turn up for the books. I need to stop relying on KFC to make me feel better about anything for god sake, the only thing a large original twister meal is going to do is make you fat Hev.

So yeah, I'm stuck in a huge, lonely rut and I would just like a date with a nice boy and feel slighlty less that my world is spinning off around me and I am stuck just watching it not knowing what to do.

I think this is going to have to start with me sacking off the wasters in my life.

Trahh

xoxox

This is Your Life Hev #3

 

This week started with a huge bang. Moving into final year has been so intense ALREADY that I am starting to wonder if I will be able to cope with it. This year is going to be so challenging, having 3 deadlines in for November already (just kill me) that I am having to start writing now, one week into Uni. I have also come to the bloody horrible realisation that I can't leave anything to the night before either, especially as I am desperate for a 2:1 this year. 

I think me writing about beauty bits is going to have to take a bit of a back burner this year as I am so busy. I still adore beauty and am constantly reading and watching what's new and a great product but 1. I can't afford new products and 2. I simply do not have the time to photograph anything for the blog now. Hopefully there will be pockets of time to write about stuff that I absolutely adore at some point this year! I think this blog will end up being more me having a chat about my life and what is going on in it, which I think I am going to enjoy immensely and I hope someone else in my little corner of the internet like it too.

This week also marked the start of me and my course of Rifampicin and Clindamycin to try and tackle my HS, this is for 3 months and has already turned my wee sunny delight orange and makes my mouth taste like a spoon which is fabulous. I am really hoping I am in the 3/4 of people who this treatment works for and will but this horrendous condition into some form of remission for as long as possible. Wish me luck guys! 

I have had possibly one of the fattest weeks for me on record and it really shows on the scales. I am in such a horrendous eat everything mood at the moment and I am trying to snap out of it but I am really struggling. If anyone has any advice please let me know.

I also got tweeted my Dr Christian cos I asked him a question, not the most exciting thing in the world but it was still cool!

The biggest excitement of this week is that my cousin has had a baby boy! Congratulations Chris and Jess and I cannot wait for a munch!

So thats it, a nice roundup of this week, not as mopey as last week was it?!

Lots of Love,

Hev 

xoxox

This Is Your Life Hev #2

So my blog is my little sanctuary. I can write about what is bothering me, what is pissing me off and rarely what is going right in my life and I'm quite enjoying this little roundup of my head space right now, it is so cathartic to write the absolute mental vomit that goes round my head down. I know I don't exactly have the gift of the gab in written form, or in actual day to day life but I do try.

I undertook a week of work experience in a school last week in the food department. It really made me feel completely positive that this is the career I want. I genuinely 100% want to become a food teacher, how mental is that? For the first time I fully know what I want to do and it is so nice to have a direction that I want to stick to. I know it is going to be scary and I will have to learn not to cry (I started welling up thinking about this little year 7 boy who reminded me so much of myself it hurt), but I think it will be worth it in the end. I mean, look at the holidays!

In my personal life this week it has been a complete roller coaster of emotions, I've been horrendously angry, felt deliriously happy, relieved and also like someone had sucker punched me in the stomach. It's been that kind of week. It's been the kind of week where I have had to face up to one of my biggest flaws; my inability to do anything sober me would want when drunk. We've all done it, messaging people, ringing them, snap chatting naughty pictures when plastered etc etc, but it never normally leads to you nearly sabotaging something actually quite strangely good, and then making you realise you actually care about that person way more than you admit to yourself. There were reasons for my sabotage, I was feeling hurt, angry and like I had been mugged off in front of the entire world. Jumping to instant conclusions is one of my bad points as well, coupled with the fact that I was fucking livid didn't really make for a good situation. Its all ok again now though wooooo.

But on another note, I am terrified of dogs to the point of thinking one of them might be around me makes me cry, one is currently in my house at home. It's my dads sponsors (a whole other chapter in my life that) dog, a pomeranian and is probably harmless but my brain doesn't see it like that, so I had to stay at my aunties like a little baby. One of the things I would love to do is get over my fear of dogs, because it doesn't just mess with my life it messes with everyone else's lives around me who have dogs.

I sarted writing a blog post on this when I was curled up in a ball on Friday night on my bed crying, but I am really glad that I left it until now to write some actually put together something mildly (I am rubbish at this writing malarky) coherant together.

Sorry if its been a bit depressing!

Big Love,

Hev

xoxox