As pretty much anyone who knows me will tell you, I have the worst luck with the male species. Granted I tend to go for absolute morons (remember the person I alluded to on here a couple of years ago, well he's back *eye rolls*) and every time I know what is happening- ya gal ain't stupid- but I just can't stop myself from doing the same damn thing over and over again.
My God awful habits include not getting the hint, thinking that boys who solely message on snap chat are ok (there was a meme of this a while ago, these boys ain't ok my ladies and gents). Jumping way ahead of myself when hello Hev! They are arseholes. Thinking that- and I'm not ashamed to admit it- that a mild bit of sexting is gonna entice a boy (it will not). Oh and being someones stop gap. The person who acts as the gap filler whilst they find the real life person, which I have been for many boys *eyes do their fucking roll*.
Whilst I am acutely aware of this, I don't do anything about it. I think a tiny bit of me enjoys the pain I inflict on myself in this way (hello daddy issues!) and I have an annoying habit of trying to see he best in everybody all of the time which is not good for me or my sanity. I don't think my overwhelming broodiness and insane need to get married and have babies helps me out at all, because all I fantasise about is having a nice, normal, sane family which is probs cos I haven't had that stability myself, which is a whole nuvva story.
But last night, for the first time in 23 years and 11 months, I managed to do something different- I fought my overriding urge to reply to the attention seeking muppet on the other side of my snap chat and didn't bloody reply! I know this may seem tiny, insignificant to most probably, but for me I managed to keep strong and actually listened to the 'fucking hell leave me alone' voice and I feel overjoyed! Like someone has released something inside me and that I can conquer the world a bit. I realised today (always late to the party) after an epiphany of epic proportions that he just wants attention not you, so I didn't reply, and I feel bloody great.
So what I am trying to get at is this: I am an expert advice disher but I will not take said advice even though I know it is for the best, and I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to get out of the habit of being the poly filler, cos I don't want to waste months of my life talking to someone that doesn't give a shit about me back. I want to have less see the best for my own sake, so convos on tinder don't just get sexty and actually turn out more datey- you get me? And mainly I just want someone to manage to see actual me, the person that will do anything for anyone, occasionally funny, slightly emotionally damaged and detached but just wants to be a mom person that I am.
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