September

September. A month that I wasn’t expecting to enjoy, I just thought it would be another month in my life where not much happened.


I saved like mad for February’s travelling adventure, something I realise I haven’t addressed on here, but will do at some point. My OCD and anxiety has warped into just thinking about dying. I think about dying all the time, not that I want to die, that’s the furthest thing from what I want and will ever be, but I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that one day my brain will just stop and I’ll neverlive on this planet again (at least as myself!). It terrifies me, which is why my brain latches onto it and tries to give me panic attacks all over again. I am trying (and half failing) to make myself not think about it, but think about how exciting life is and how I must make the most of it, as so many don’t get that opportunity and when I do pop my clogs, I’ll have nothing but happy thoughts to reflect on as I drift up to the pearly gates...

I’ve made a lot of time in my life to see my peoples. The people that want to see me grow, the people I’ve known for years and love me like I love them. The past two years have been a rollercoaster with my friendships to say the least, and I do quite feel like I’m sinking and alone a lot of the time; but I also try to remember that I have people, hell, they might live in Manchester and London and Scarborough but that doesn’t mean I can’t make the effort and hop on a train or get in my car to see them. As I’m writing this I’m on the way to Manchester on a very packed train off to see one of my best peoples right now. I’m feeling very happy.

I’m in a temporary job which has reminded me that people aren’t shit and there will be places I’ll be able to start my teaching career where I won’t spend 75% of my time crying. When I eventually do my month extra training and get to qualify, I’ll be sticking a solid 2 fingers up at everyone who seemed to make it their mission to make me fail in teaching, and I won’t let them get away with it. I know I can teach, I know I will be a FUCKING FANTASTIC teacher, and the only way is up from here.

I also experimented with vlogging this month, I can’t lie I’m shit at it, but it’s enjoyable and easy so I will hopefully continue with it- if you’re full of morbid curiosity, you can find my channel here.

And finally, this was the month I got semi closure on the past- I realised I hate how I feel about myself when I talk to you, and hate the fact that I seem to be an object to use when bored, and I’m moving on, finally.

Bring on October lads.