When OCD decides to enter your life, it does so without warning. It just jumps right into your brain, straight into your fears and sits there, mingling and merging with everything you are scared of the most.
I was 11 when I got my first bout of OCD, it happened after someone described some horror film to me and it stuck to my brain like cement. My body had the first of many panic attacks in the middle of an English lesson. My brain was flipped over, never to return to normal again.
It took me a good few years to condense my OCD down to something manageable, something that would only rear its ugly head for about 5 minutes every night; I could say my piece and it would recede, back into its little cupboard inside my brain.
I was 17 when it came back for a second round. It was one of them stupid Facebook pictures that set it off, one of them pathetic "if you look at this you'll die in 7 days" pictures. For any person without my OCD, that wouldn't bother them, but for me, I was convinced I was going to die. That same week, an advert for a horror film along the lines of the film that set my OCD off all them years ago came onto my screen and the OCD gremlin just flowed straight back into all the nuts and cranny's of my brain. I couldn't escape it. I had to sleep with my sister in my room, with the TV on and the lights blaring, most of the time with the door open too. I had my brain in an OCD vice.
It took me a long time to tell my sister what was wrong with me. I used to scream and cry at her not to leave me because if she left me then something would come out and get me. I wore cross earrings and a necklace for a very long time, even getting a cross tattoo to make my brain feel better, and make me feel like I was protected from all the evil out there.
The bout when I was 17 took me by surprise. I was so upset with myself that my brain could let it get that bad again, I thought I had it all figured out with how to suppress it. Clearly I was wrong. The angle that it came back changed, it started to include evil people from the news; if I heard a name I had to match it with someone's name who I knew to be good. I still have to do that now. This time I had found out what was wrong with me, scrupulosity OCD. My brain is obsessed with religion, death and trying not to be possessed. It's very hard to live your life when you permanently think something has got inside you and you're not yourself any more.
Again, I managed to suppress it again, this time with new rituals to keep it at bay. A great day was only thinking about it once or twice a day. Of course I had mild flair ups when stressed or something was going wrong in my personal life (as it so often does) but I managed to keep it at bay. I managed to start sleeping on my own again with only a lamp on, a vast improvement for me.
So why, with all this compression, has it managed to try to trickle back into my life for a third time now? All this week there has been hints of its re-emergence, things that grasp onto my fears have been floating around in my head before I try to sleep. I've just had a lovely evening with two of my friends watching the X-Men trilogy. Lovely, except for during the last film I had my first panic attack for a very long time. My panic attacks don't come with heavy breathing into a paper bag; they come with my entire body tightening, my nerves standing on end with me having to incessantly chant my chants at myself to shut it down, all the while still checking its me in there still. Three hours later I'm still feeling the effects and my brain is going at 10000 miles a minute, trying to come to terms with what has just happened.
For the first time in months I've had to use my rescue remedy and caught myself pinching my skin to see if its me. OCD is hard because you know you're being ridiculous, yet there seems to be no manual override button to stop it, no matter how much you know your brain is playing tricks and games with you.
I can't go back to this life. I've fought so hard to keep it at bay for so long and I don't think I can handle a third bout already. I've always known this gremlin will always be a feature in my life, but I prefer it as a back ground spectator rather than a front row guest. In the morning I'm phoning the doctors and I will try to put this bout to bed before it takes over my life again.
Lots of Love,
Hev
xoxox
This was such a lovely post to read! I am so sorry you have suffered badly with this. I have very bad OCD tendencies and have a fear of losing control, or that I am going to punch someone in the street or jump in to traffic, just because it's possible, but I get scared because I really don't want to! It's been so scary at times but it's a lot better than in the past, even though I still have bad anxieties. I'm always here to talk if you need to! :D xx
elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara | (lets follow each other on bloglovin or instagram)
Hi Elizabeth! Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I am also so so sorry you struggle with this too! It's so hard knowing your brain is up to things and you can't stop it! Likewise I'm always here if you're struggling with any issues! xx
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