Friends

Today is a great day. I finished my dissertation, ready to be bound and handed in tomorrow. A year of solid hard work has come to an end and I feel a mixture of sickness and relief. Relief that my hand ins are done, and sickness that my four years are very much over.

I've had a bumpy ride of uni. Anyone who knows me knows that first year was a complete abomination. If I hadn't of worked so damn hard at trying to get into uni then I would most likely have dropped out.

Second year everything changed. I finally lived with someone on my wavelength, joined trampolining and met my two best friends. Life was groovy. Same for last year, I was happy and content with my life in Sheffield. This year has completely sealed the deal for me. I have the best 5 friends who I see nearly every day, am in constant contact with and I am so happy; after the year I've had family wise I thoroughly deserve it.

However, it has come to my attention that there are many people in my life who don't think I deserve success, who don't think I deserve to be happy, and don't think I deserve to live my life the way I do.

Even through all his faults and mega problems, I am so lucky to have a dad who has worked so hard to provide for his family (even though I suspect his efforts may have been for other reasons) and built up a life for us, as a family of 7, that many could only dream of. I am so aware of all the privilege I have in my life, and the financial security that I've always been blanketed in. Trust me when I say this, if it meant that I could have a normal family life, I would drop everything with the drop of a hat. I am so grateful that I have parents who could buy me a car, when my previous two cars that I worked so hard for were broken pretty much beyond compare. I am also very aware that this car is an investment for the family, as when my sister turns 17 she will have my car, and I will purchase my own. I am also so aware that I live in a huge house on a nice estate, a house that my dad again worked his arse off for, to provide all 5 of his children with the space we need to grow up. I have worked my arse off since I turned 16, 5 years in retail and 1 full time year in food manufacturing, saving up every penny I have so I can concentrate on final year and retain my weekends to type my fingers to the bone. I am loyal to the core, I will do anything for my friends or family and I expect this to be returned, which it often isn't.

This life that looks so perfect on the outside, a life that looks so complete, so happy and frankly so well off does not come without consequences. Consequences my friends know first hand. My dad is an alcoholic and has been since he was 18 years old. He was also arrested last year and it turned my life upside down. I would not wish last year on my worst enemy. I am also (woe is me) the most unlucky person in love, who seems to attract dick heads left, right and centre (something I suspect comes from years of dad hating). I also have a brother and sister who have mental issues, just like I do.I have OCD and it stops me from living my life the way I want to.

My point to the last paragraph is this; before you become envious, jealous, judgemental, angry or whatever you fancy at the time, think of what a person is going through behind closed doors. If you know what a person is going through, support them, don't judge them. Don't make a person feel completely on their own in a crowded room because you cannot be happy for them. Realise that every single persons life is different, everyone has something in life that someone else wants,but don't let that affect your relationship with them. If you have still have a problem, pick your own battles; don't use someone else to drag a person down, address your own issues head on. Don't start an argument for the sake of arguing. If people work hard, commend them, don't make life a competition of who worked harder or who paid for what. If you don't agree with a persons choice in life, don't make the person feel like they have killed someone for doing something that does not fit in with your views. Apologise if you've done something wrong. If someone has a hobby or an outlet, support them, don't take the piss out of them for it. Don't trivialise people, don't throw unnecessary shade. Try not to be an outright bitch. Don't cheat on people, end the relationship if you're unhappy. Friendship is meant to be a two way supportive street, not a one way hunky dory the other side piercing daggers. A person should not be left to feel like a spare part, or alienated, it is not fair. In-directs on social media should be left to 13 year olds. Mature and grow, see things outside of your normal life. Meet new people, expand your surroundings.

The moral of this story is to support and be happy for someone, and if you can't do that, you should probably have a long hard look at yourself.

Hev

xoxox

Ren Flash Rinse 1 Minute Facial

This isn't going to be the most positive of posts. This thing hurts. I got it as part of the M&S advent calendar and I was really excited, as everything I've tried from REN I have loved. However, this is a negative nilly. 

You put it on, then wet your fingers, rub them all over your face to activate the Vitamin C, wait a minute and wash it off. All well and good. Skin feels great. Until about 30 seconds later when the tight, almost burning sensation kicks in. It hurts. On the surface my skin feels great, yet it just burns. The only way I have found (from a couple of uses of the product) is to slather moisturiser on straight afterwards to kill off the burn. I think, from my experience with the product it should not be marketed for all skin types at all!

I would urge caution with this if you have sensitive skin. Let me know if you have similar experiences/ good experiences! Sorry for being so negative!

Lots of Love,

Hev

xoxox

Kiko Nail Lacquer 227 Dark Rouge Noir

For the last couple of months that I have been growing my nails back (I have finally give up the biting again!) this has been my complete go to shade. I think I have switched it up a couple of times, but always come back. It is that gorgeous purple, almost black shade, that seems to complement my pale as snow complexion. I have been wearing this shade for months on my toes (it is perfect for making them look elegant). The longevity is outstanding for me. I have definitely worn this shade for at least 5 days without chipping (by that point I am chipping it off myself) which for me is magical as my nails tend to chip like a bitch. Please excuse the shoddy paintwork in the picture but I just love this colour. I bought the polish in Rome from Kiko, but Kiko are expanding in the UK (they have just opened a store in Meadowhall in Sheffield which made me squeal) so it is easy to get your hands on the shade, and each polish is £2.50 in store or online here.

I am sure I will keep wearing this shade, even as the weather gets warmer and the sun finally appears!

Lots of Love,

Hev

xoxox

The Body Shop Camomile Sumptuous Cleansing Butter

A miracle has happened ladies and gents, I am writing blog posts in advance... about beauty! Go me! It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to put off coursework, or my inability to go change my windscreen wiper (which has shredded and is lovingly being called noodle) at Halfords as there is a match on at Bramall lane at all...

I digress, today is a day for discussing the The Body Shop Camomile Sumptuous Cleansing Butter (a mouthful). It's a cleanser if you haven't already guessed, which is meant to take off makeup and leave your skin all clean and smooth. It looks like this:

(slightly dirty from my dirty hands, I do apologise)

The ingredients in this are: Ethylhexyl Palmitate (Skin Conditioning Agent), Synthetic Wax (Binder/Emollient), PEG-20 Glyceryl Triisostearate (Skin Conditioning Agent), Olea Europaea Fruit Oil/Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil (Emollient), Butyrospermum Parkii Butter/Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea) Butter (Skin Conditioning Agent - Emollient), Caprylyl Glycol (Skin Conditioning Agent), Tocopherol (Antioxidant), Parfum/Fragrance (Fragrance), Aqua/Water (Solvent/Diluent), Linalool (Fragrance Ingredient), Limonene (Fragrance Ingredient), Helianthus Annuus Seed Oil/Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Seed Oil (Emollient), Anthemis Nobilis Flower Extract (Natural Additive), Citric Acid (pH Adjuster). 

(From The Body Shop website)

It's a good cleanser. I can't complain. It's got a lovely texture, melts into the skin when you rub it in, take it off with a clean wet flannel (or just swill it, like little miss lazy over here) and you'll have nice skin. It doesn't quite blast through my levels of night out make up at first go, so I normally have to go in again. The butter aspect (with the Shea butter) hasn't irritated my skin, or made me break out any more than I would normally do anyway to be honest. So if you have spotty/ acneic skin don't be put off straight away. My one massive gripe with it is the packaging is a complete bitch to work with sometimes, as the lid can be a bit temperamental at wanting to go back on top of the pot.

When this pot is done I will happily be buying it again, I just wish they would sort out the lid issues!

You can buy this here from the body shop, where it is £13 for 90ml of product.

Lots of Love,

Hev

xoxox

Me, Food and Weight.

From the title of this blog post you're probably thinking its gonna be a big old moan about me. Well it is- sort of. I've woken up with a mild hangover (the first time in months, it is a blessing from baby Jesus) from celebration drinks for my friend getting a grad job, and I just want to write this.
Last night, when I was stood in West Street Live I realised I don't want to do 'me' any more. By 'me' I mean my outside persona and how it affects me inside.
On this blog I have mentioned multiple, multiple times how I hate my weight. It's true, I despise it. Currently I weigh 11st 12lbs and it is the heaviest I have ever been.
The thing with my weight though is that my thinking hasn't changed from when I was 9st 10lbs. I could and did eat whatever I wanted. Not because of being blessed with a fast metabolism and it is age that has changed it, but it was because my OCD was at its peak and I was having a- and I am not exaggerating here- permanent panic attack. Due to this I was chugging camomile tea and rescue remedy like it was going out of style and they probably turned a bit laxitivey, combined with my brain making my body be in a permanent state of fight or flight for the best part of two years and voila; losing two stone in 2 months (I was 11st something before peak OCD) and gaining the metabolism I always dreamed of.
I'm often upset that the fast metabolism I got when my OCD peaked disappeared when it levelled off. This is by no means me saying I want my OCD to peak again, fuck no, never ever; I just mean that to be in the habit of eating like a pig and it not effecting you to having it suddenly effect you is odd, and a difficult cycle to get out of.
The metabolism slow down started around the time I turned 18, and what happens when you turn 18? You go out, all the time. I really was going out at least twice a week for the majority of being 18, and alcohol makes you fat; especially if you're not really meant to be skinny in the first place, or feed your hangovers like a bear eating its prey.
When I got to uni I think I was about 10st 3lbs. I had a horrendous first year (more on that when I feel it necessary) and by the time second year rolled around I was 10st 7lbs. I stayed at this weight for a long time, even with going out etc. I think it was probably because dairy was sticking its head out the window and revolting against me. I think I got to the end of 2nd year being 11st? I went on two all inclusive holidays which did not help the weight matters at all either.
Then placement came around, I was grabbing food when I could, usually from service stations, and thats when I discovered my downfall- KFC.
I bloody love KFC, I love chicken so much (working in a chicken factory for a year did not put me off in the slightest) and I love anything fried, so together they're the perfect combo for me. I put on a good 10lbs on placement, mostly due to grabbing food when I could and also due to comfort eating. I was comfort eating like no tomorrow because that year was horrible, I was in a bad emotional place because of my dad and the 'situation' and when I get emotional about anything I want food. Happy? Food! Sad? Food! its a horrible cycle.

I can see the changes in myself every time I look in the mirror and I hate it. I have a massive double chin, I have a ledge on my stomach, my arms are now huge. 2 stone doesn't sound much but it has made a huge difference to me.  I can't pull anymore, I don't want to appear big headed here but when I was under 10st 7lbs I could pull pretty much anyone I wanted (dunno how) and the only thing that has changed from then until now is my weight. My confidence is therefore shot to pieces. I'm not trying to say I was only confident because I was seen as attractive to the opposite sex, but it helps. No matter how much you might say it doesn't matter to you, everyone, secretly yearns to be desired. It made me feel good. My sex life took a nose dive (not having sex for 2 years makes you feel like absolute shit) which didn't help my confidence either.

So here I am now, sat in bed, waiting for my momma and siblings to turn up at my house in Sheffield (cannot wait) and you're probably thinking stop having a pity party. It's not that, for once I am actually being truthful to myself.

So what am I going to do about it? Take each day as it comes. I am a massive fantasiser, I will fantasise about being 9st again until the cows come home but I will never get there unless I actually try. I am still in the mindset that one day it will all just fall off me again. It wont. I also need to stop thinking I can eat whatever I want. I can't. I'm not built for that. I also need to get off my lazy arse and do some exercise. Small increments. Nothing all gung ho for a couple of days then get bored.

What I am trying to say is I need to change my lifestyle, in order to feel better inside, and out. It's time to change.

Lots of Love,

Hev

xoxox