I'm currently sat in bed, writing this blog post, looking at graduation ball dresses; trying to avoid my life. The last month of university has approached. It worries me. I feel like my life, my beautiful life that I've built up over the last 4 years is about to get dragged from under me. I'm scared that I won't see my friends any more. I'm scared about going into the big wide world, at 22, I still don't feel remotely ready. I feel very much in limbo, between how life is now and how life will be, come 12pm on the 11th May, when I have no right to call myself a student because it will all be over. I just want to cling onto life how it is now in my house with my friends in Sheffield. Is that too much to ask for?
My dreams are currently hurting my feelings, get out of my head please. I rarely think about it any more yet my dreams bring me right back there most nights and it does my head in. My OCD is starting to rear its ugly head again, not in a full on episode thank the Lord baby Jesus, but in a I'm gonna crop up in your life more than just a couple of times a day way. Sometimes I am using rescue remedy again, which for the last few years luckily has just been consigned to when I go on a plane. I'm going to take a wild guess that it is just stress that is causing this mild little flair up. It's not nice to have the feelings of having a panic attack back again.
I decided this week that I don't think I will ever be able to move home 100% again. I couldn't take being trapped here, constantly arguing with my brother and dad and having limited to no social life unless I traipsed back up to Sheffield every weekend. Of course I will have no choice in the matter if I don't get to teach and I don't get a 2:1 so I don't get 9 grand, which is making me try to work much harder than I ever have before.
I'm going back to Sheffield tomorrow and I cannot wait. I am going to make the most of this last month, even the library...
Lots of love,
Hev
xoxox
p.s. I won 6 chicken nuggets on McDonalds Monopoly and I was so ecstatic, it was like winning the lottery for me *crying laughing face emoji*
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