Life

Sometimes in life I am genuinely baffled as to how I have stayed sane. Life at the moment seems to keep throwing annoying curveballs and blockades in the way of what I want to do and who I want to see in my life. I am constantly wondering what horrendous thing I did in my past life to make this life so that absolutely nothing seems to go my way and I just get shat on left, right and bloody centre. I am 22 years old and my life should be slowly blowing into some sort of rhythm. I should be meeting people who are willing to be seen with me and want to have a connection with me. Instead I'm hanging onto losers from my past who did nothing but hurt me, yet they seem to all be sat there in a cinema watching my life fall to pieces in front of them, throwing popcorn whenever my head comes up on screen and laughing their big heads off.
I should have some sort of financial stability, but I am unemployed, living off savings and trying to pay my rent with a student loan that won't even cover the majority. I should be on the road to finding the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and have my future beautiful, bouncing babies with but that road hasn't even got planning permission yet. I should have got a fucking handle on my food intake by now but apparently that is never going to happen, and I do not like how close I am creeping to 12 stone. Most days my life seems perfectly fine from the outside, as I was frequently told at school 'you're so rich! you have no problems!' then please give having an absent, alcoholic father a go. Or a dyspraxic in denial borderline bi- polar steam rolling himself into a mental breakdown brother. Or a mother so ground down and quite frankly pathetic that she will not remove herself from the most toxic of situations because her rose tinted fucking glasses are so thick they will break her neck if she's not careful. It is so difficult not being able to go near things or watch things because OCD will tell you you'll die or get possessed because of it.
From outside of my pity bubble, I think I am trying to say that I am completely stuck and lost and incredibly lonely. I am tired of going clubbing solely for the purpose of meeting someone because they are all arseholes. I am tired of aimlessly scrolling through tinder and swiping right on people because then, invariably they're all arseholes. I find it beyond difficult to meet anyone in my real life, all I do is go to uni on an incredibly girl filled course or trampolining where again everyone is a girl or gay. I am so broody that I would have a baby this afternoon if I could and I am starting to understand why girls go and get pregnant at 16 I know, what a turn up for the books. I need to stop relying on KFC to make me feel better about anything for god sake, the only thing a large original twister meal is going to do is make you fat Hev.

So yeah, I'm stuck in a huge, lonely rut and I would just like a date with a nice boy and feel slighlty less that my world is spinning off around me and I am stuck just watching it not knowing what to do.

I think this is going to have to start with me sacking off the wasters in my life.

Trahh

xoxox